Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
by Skie
Summary: From the minds behind 'Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets', find out how Harry REALLY gets that fortune. . .


Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer  
  
"Harry, there's something that I should have told you five years ago." Dumb -dwarf said with an air of importance that only he could accomplish while looking like an idiot at the same time. "Okay," replied Harry like the dumb ass that he is. "That's all you have to say? Okay?" "Look, old man, would you hurry up here, I have things I gots to accomplish before I die aiight?" "You must be spending an awful lot of quality time with Hagrid with all that ghetto talk you be saying, I mean, that your speaking with. or something like that.yeah." Dumb-dwarf said trailing off at the end of his sentence. "Nah, he not teaching me hows to be speakin' ghetto like, just hows to be drinking Irish like. Mmmmmmm, vodka. Yeah, so what's this jibber jabberin goin on about my mum and pop?" Harry asked slouching a bit lower into his char, his legs spread wide apart like he was waiting for something. "Well, I'm not telling you now, so NAH!" Dumb-dwarf said indignantly. "Tell me NOW you stupid old git for' I pop a cap in your old goofy ass!" said Harry. "Okay, well. . .if you say so. Now, it all began many years ago on a sunny day in July. . ." "This ain't no fairy tale punk, I just want the facts. Don't give me that 'Once upon a time' shit." "I hate my life."  
* * * * *  
James and Lily Potter were a poor but sickeningly happy couple living in the poorer parts of London. They didn't really have any money, but hardcore sex got them through most of their trivial matters and so they fell deeper in love. That all changed when Lily announced she was to have a baby, however. She had been the a-typical woman and had "forgotten" her pill, but all her chatty girlfriends knew she just wanted to have a baby to, you know, REALLY hook James in. They both knew that the slums of the city were no place to raise a baby and struggled to find the additional income so they could move into a more distinguished neighborhood. So they did what any respectable couple would do. . .start selling crack. Sirius got James started and together, all three of them were the main connection. Lily accidentally took some during her pregnancy, which explains quite a lot. Actually, more than some. . .but anywhoo that's not the focus of this story.  
Now as their popularity increased, many other druglords became enraged at the competition. James wasn't even a pimp daddy! This was seen as a disgrace to the world of the drugs, and they united to call upon their most powerful member to put an end to this wholesome drug dealer image. . .Lord Voldemort. You wanna talk about bling bling? This dude had enough gold to rival the tombs of Egypt. Voldemort went to go end the lives of Lily and James and their crack-baby love child but young Harry, who was instilled with so much crack, was able to resist the killing spell. The deadly incantation rebounded of the addicted infant and hit the Dark Lord, causing all his bling bling to disappear. Ashamed, he went to the forests of Albania, where he herded camels until one of his faithful gang members would come to restore him to power. They don't call them the Death Eaters for nothing, you know.  
"So Harry, that's the truth on how you got your fortune, what happened to your parents, and where your future lies," Dumbledore finished with an overly dramatic wave of his hand.  
"With. . .real estate? With a wife-swapping house? Any good setup has a wife-swapping house," Harry answered knowledgeably.  
"No my pathetic little dunce. You must reclaim your parent's titles and once again become the major crack connection for all of London. It is your. . .  
Dum Dum Dum intensely dramatic music "DESTINY"  
"But I don't want to. . ."  
"That's too damn bad."  
Out of nowhere, who should appear in this incredibly far-fetched and unrealistic story but Lord Voldemort himself!  
"Who do you think you are, weed-jackers? I run the joint around here and no one is taking that away from me, comprende?"  
"Ooooh. . .you have a joint?" Harry asked, his eyes widening in anticipation.  
"Harry!" Dumbledore snapped, "What did we just talk about?"  
"Ummm. . .I forgot."  
Both Voldemort and Dumbledore smacked their heads in frustration, neither of them having experience with idiotic children. At this point they joined forces and beat the living crap out of Harry Potter and truthfully, it felt really good. Then they celebrated by smoking the finest weed within fifty miles and argued over who saw the better hallucinations.  
  
THE END  
  
Written by: Skie and Tallullabell 


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